John 11: 24-26
Faith is really a verb. Sometimes you have to “faith your way” through things to get to the belief on the other side. I find that I end up having to faith through the things that feel too hard to carry, like unexplainable sickness, job loss, death. Sometimes the belief comes as an after-thought.
Five and a half years ago my job was simply written out of the budget. I had been out on maternity leave that year. To me, it seemed that they realized in my absence that my job was not necessary. A few months after my return I was told that I had six months to find a new job. My partner and I closed on a house about ten days after I received this news. I was still breastfeeding our seven-month-old. I remember going home snot-nosed and puffy-eyed to feed her. I sat there, longing to believe that God was a part of this big loss in some way. Two months later, my partner, who was an associate pastor, was forced to resign. Our final paychecks would be cut on the same date.
I faithed hard but my partner would have nothing to do with church. He played soccer on Sundays. I dragged myself and our daughter to church. I longed to believe that the faith of the many would cover the faith I could not muster on my own. I needed others to faith me along. In time, I did come back to belief myself.
Someone who can resurrect from the dead is surely strong enough and big enough to hold my disbelief and my faith in one breath. I do believe that Jesus encompasses life and death. Jesus says, I am. I truly thank God for that. May it be so.
Who are the people in your life who faith so that you can believe?
God, when faith is hard for us to embody, guide us to those we can lean on, who will help us walk your way again. Amen.